I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
