dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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