If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
