good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
