You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
