Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
