he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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