I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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