She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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