thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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