the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
