Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
