i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
