Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
