the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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