Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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