ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
