I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.