im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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