I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
