I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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