i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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