nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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