does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
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If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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