ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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