Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
