My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
