Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
