she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
