i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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