Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
