He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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