I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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