When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
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