I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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