im having a threesome with these popsicles
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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