I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
