can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
