I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
