I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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