he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
