Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
