I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
