My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
