You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
