I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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