I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Alive.
So much puke
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
