If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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