like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
