Im at strip club and am horny
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
