I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
