Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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