You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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