I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
