you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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