is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
