Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
