Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
