Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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