So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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