I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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