even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You took a bar mat shot.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
